A scream from no one.

I feel the urge build from deep within. At first it’s only a slight expansion, delicate, almost imperceptible, but quickly accelerating. In fact, I realize it's bigger than I expected. The speed that it’s changing, I’ve never experienced something like this. My mind boxes it in. Expects something, but finds something else. The growth is more than I can contain. More than I expected. It builds and builds. I don’t know if I can hold it in any longer.
The energy mounts. I sit up. But I didn’t initiate that.
My arms extend, but I’m not moving them. 

My fists clench. This energy isn’t mine.

I feel the scream ready to explode out of me. This is not my energy. 

My mouth opens. I hear nothing.

It feels as if a hole in the universe has ripped through me. Through my body.
The energy flows out of me uncontrollably. I am a conduit. The universe screams into nothingness, into the void, as if waiting for eternity for an echo of return.
I become the scream itself.
But that’s not right either. There is no I. No subject. There is only scream.
If I am anything, I’m the universe itself. Expressing itself as energy through this scream. 

Reverberating across space and time to infinity. 

As I awaken, I feel confused. What was this energy? Where did it come from? Was it hidden in me - this small me? Why don’t I remember the scream? Why can’t I tell where it came from? Why did it happen?

But there are no answers.
There is only energy. There is only the constant reverberation of the scream. Bouncing off the walls of nothingness combined with the fleeting sense of no one. No throat to scream. No ear to hear.

In Zen, there is the notion of “katsu” or the shout with no shouter. The teacher shouts, but there is no author. It is thought to be the universe making a sound in the shape of a human throat. A moment where the mind drops away and there is only sound. Only immediacy. Just rawness of being. It is a revealing of no-self.

When the mind falls away, the subject goes with it. The “I” that is doing recedes and each action occurs from nowhere into nothingness. The body becomes a vector for a deeper, more primal energy. The universe speaks through us, unfiltered. Releasing potential. Increasing entropy.
Without mind, there is no meaning. There is only this. Only this energy moving. Only this conduit. Simple. Raw. Connected. 

When mind returns it tries to explain. It tries to create meaning, importance, values, and mission statements. But these are simple games. The mind places magnifying glasses over the simplicity of oneness searching for deviations in the truth.

What is there to learn from this? Nothing. There is never anything to learn. There is, and only ever has been this. Moment after moment. Experience after experience. We are, this is, just as it is. Nothing to fix. Nothing to achieve. Nothing to strive for. 

Let the mind play its games. Allow the universe to speak through you. Feel the raw energy traverse your veins. Feel the tingling under the pressure. The delicate hum under the silence. See the photons underneath the color. The truth is in plain sight. The realness lives with us, as us, in every moment. 

Sometimes in quieter moments I hear that silent scream reverberating in the void. I feel the falling backwards that comes when the ground dissolves. I try to let it remind me what we truly are. I let that oneness erase the daily struggles of the mind. Connecting with the truth over and over again. Listening out for that echo from the distant walls of infinity.