Shudder before a thought

I never imagined a thought could come from anywhere but the mind. I’ve always just perceived my mind and the thought generator in my life. Believing that my mind is in control, that it dictates my thoughts, my attention, my world. But I’m beginning to question that core aspect of experience. 

The other morning, watching thoughts arrive, I found a place where you begin to see the thoughts poke up before they are fully developed. Almost like a glistening image in the sun. Incomplete, and only partially formed. This is experienced sort of like partial thoughts. Categories, subjects, emotive topics. Like, maybe you see the person before the full story of the person. Or, maybe you see the category of the thought before the specifics. As if you are watching the actual birth of the thought itself. 

But as I spent more time in this place I started to notice a subtle shift in my experience even before the hint of a thought arises. I began to realize the emergence of emotion preceding the thought itself.  

Grief arising before the memory of a loved one. 

Happiness arising before the reliving of a perfect moment. 

Anxiety sneaking in before the reminder of today’s schedule. 

Love blossoming before the thought of a child. 

I guess I always imagined thought giving rise to emotion. Believing it was memory or imagination painting a canvas of emotional energy in my body. But maybe it’s that emotional energy generating the thoughts themselves. Emotions acting as the whisper, and thoughts, the echo. Grief recalling the memory of loss. Fear bringing up the stories of inadequacy. Gratitude calling up the stories of wonder and love.

Does the mind initiate these thoughts? Does the body? Who’s in charge here? 

The mind appears as nothing but a narrator. The body, nothing more than a resonator.  So then, who am I? Who is watching this play out? Who is riding the rollercoaster of emotion, memory and imagination?

The foolish reject what they see, not what they think; the wise reject what they think, not what they see. - Huang Po