Vulnerability

In recent years, I’ve felt proud of my ability to be vulnerable. But I’ve started to wonder—does my vulnerability also serve as a defense, shaped by my shy nature and lack of self-confidence. I have spent most of my life being perceived as pensive, cold, or standoffish. I’ve been told I come off as arrogant, rather than shy. Unwelcoming, rather than insecure. People often assume I don’t like them, missing the deeper truth, that I don’t like myself, and struggle opening up because of it. 

Even now, I’m catching myself. I’m using vulnerability as a way to gain your understanding and compassion, despite my self judgement. Vulnerability is a tool, and sometimes, my crutch. 

Vulnerability, as we often see it, is a natural attempt at reclaiming relinquished power. 

A self proclaimed inadequacy admitted and held forefront, with intention. 

Vulnerability is an honorable attempt of ownership to a deep rooted judgement. 

But this self judgement is an illusion. A false identity imagined in a world of complexity generalized by stereotypes . Where energy and emotion are stored as memory and trick us into believing we could be anything other than we are. Where imagination of a possible future alludes us to believe we could have been different in the moment, or that we could even be different right now. 

There is no other possibility. No other version of ourselves that is real. Vulnerability is an admission to a  false belief in an alternative reality. An imaginary universe where we made the better decision. Where we were the perfect version of ourselves, for others and our own judgement. 

The enlightened version of vulnerability is the recognition that there is nothing to defend or reclaim. It is the effortless allowing of what already is, a radical honesty that no longer tries to hide or justify the truth of experience. 

This is not a ticket to freedom. A free ride to be a jerk or treat people poorly. 

This is true ownership. Ownership of the present moment.   Non attachment to ideals of ourselves or others. Non attachment to the self judgement of cultural expectations and what society thinks it means to be vulnerable. 

Real vulnerability is openness to now. Not admission of the past. Real vulnerability is opening your arms to whatever is present, hugging it and welcoming it with all its misgivings. Even if that is yourself. Recognizing even the idea of misgivings is an illusion. And dropping our expectations on ourselves and what this very moment should be. 

I choose the path of enlightened vulnerability. But I can’t just flip a switch. Only I can call awareness to the self criticism hidden within vulnerability. The attachment to self inflicted expectations. Only I can redirect myself toward the effortless allowing of what is. Opening my arms and loving this moment just as it is.